Tuesday, August 26, 2008

Exhaustion...

I am mentally, physically, and emotionally exhausted. At the risk of sounding like I'm whining, I just needed to put a few things into words.

I know that I try to do too many things. I am a "thinker" by nature and I am always having new ideas and starting new projects and taking on extras that are above and beyond my time constraints. There are a million and one things that I desire to do each day and I only ever get to about 6 of them.

Can you relate to this?

I want to have healthy and happy kids, a hubby who feels like I put him first, food on the table that is nutritious and tastes good, a clean and organized home, fun and educational school time, a strong and healthy body, meaningful time with friends, communication with extended family and friends in other states, a well-run homeplace, daily spiritual renewal and a quiet time with the Lord, a successful part-time business run from home, and time for hobbies that I feel will enrich me and my family.

I have a passion for learning new things, but I get started with something, get bored, and then move onto the next thing. I have a desire to read books, but I start one, see another that looks interesting, and then never finish either one. If I could show you a picture of all of the unfinished projects and half-read books I have in this house, you would probably just laugh at me!

All of this creates chaos in my head. The pressure that comes with wanting to do everything...and do it all well...is so overwhelming sometimes. I know there are things I need to let go and perfectionist ideas that I need to overcome. But figuring out where to start just makes me want to crawl back into bed and stay there for a week.

I think a lot of times when we're online we like to put on a perfect front...make it look like we've got it all together. Well, I'm telling you now that I don't. Not even close. And I'm sure you don't either. But it's difficult to let people see our flaws. My mother is probably nodding her head right now as she's reading this because she knows better than anyone the struggles that I have and how I am so far from perfect it's not even funny!

My family has had a long, difficult year. Looking back, we can laugh at most of the struggles we've faced, but it hasn't been easy. There have been so many blessings, though...the greatest is our son Jack who came in the midst of it all. The Lord has seen fit to take care of us. He has provided for us through almost a year of unemployment for my husband. I had to work for several months as a grocery store cashier, while very pregnant, driving 35 minutes each way in the middle of winter...not the most glamorous of circumstances. I say all of this not to complain, but because He has shown us that life is not always perfect but He will provide one way or another. I have clung to His promises this past year. His grace is sufficient and without Him who knows where we would be.

I am thankful that my husband found temporary work in time for me to stay at home with Jack after he was born. I will tell you all the story of the past year in a later post. For now, if you pray, please say one for us! We are making some major decisions right now and it looks like there are some major changes coming in the next few months.

All of these things add to the chaos in my head...but for today, I choose to be still. I choose to lean on The One who knows His plan for my life and my family. I choose to TRUST that all of this is working together for good. I choose to let it go and give it over to Him.

Because I just can't carry it anymore...

7 comments:

Ante Family Agrarians said...

Brandi,

Thanks for sharing! I know exactly what your going through! Really I do!! My life style is so foreign to me, and everything "I" want to achieve is always running through my head. I'm a thinker, planner, doer!! I can't sit still for to long and am always biting off more than I can chew. I've had to step back an rethink alot of things in my life. Get rid alot things I don't need as well. I'll post more of my own struggles on my blog soon. Homeschooling is probably the biggest one I need the Lord to give me peace on. With my lifestyle it leave little time for school, and I need to take it to Him. Homeschooling can become an idol for alot of mothers and they don't even realize it. I'll go more into on my post here soon. I wasn't raised knowing how to be a stay home wife/mother, so I'm learning now in my 30's what God's order is. SHeesh it's hard! But those whom He chooses His yoke becomes light and not burdens. Trust in the Lords ways, order, and seek His will. Be obeident to His word, and thankful for Grace. I feel your struggles, because I too have them.
Peace, Kris

David and Susan Sifford said...

Hi Brandi,

I appreciate you sharing as well. God has me in a very different life situation with no children and a more laid-back temperament but I really sympathize with your earnest spirit of wanting to accomplish all of the wonderful things you mention and coming up exhausted much of the time. I really admire both you and Kris for all of the things you do. Have you ever heard of Florence Littauer? She is a Christian speaker and has taught for decades on the four basic personality temperaments. I have to chuckle because both you and Kris seem like classic Choleric/Sanguine temperaments. I have listened to a few of Ms. Littauer's CD's and have really come to better understand my own temperament and what makes me "tick" as well as understanding how to better relate to others and how they "tick". I just thought I'd mention it in case you might be interested in "Googling" her and buying one of her CD's or books. I estimate that it would give you great insight into yourself and your family/loved ones. No pressure whatsoever, I just thought I'd mention it. I'm praying for God to give you strength and peace and give your husband wisdom and discernment regarding your possible life changes coming up.

Susan

Farrah said...

Be still and know that he is God! He will help you overcome all obstacles! Blessings to you and your family.

David and Susan Sifford said...

Just a quick side-note. Sorry I forgot to clarify in my previous post. I don't know about nor can vouch for Ms. Littauer's doctrinal/Biblical stances but the practical information on personalities has proven to be very insightful to me.

May God grant you His abundant graces and mercies.

Susan

Brandis Mom said...

Hey baby! That was hilarious! I was sitting there reading your "Exhaustion" blog and smiling and shaking my head when all of a sudden, you say in your blog "I know my mom is probably reading this and shaking her head because.... "

Sometimes you have to let up on yourself and not work quite so hard to be the Super Mom. As you know, I was never Super Mom, but you guys grew up FAIRLY normal. It's hard when you set such high expectations for yourself and your family and your whole world because then when things don't go exactly right, it's hard for you to accept. Don't you remember when Daddy used to get so excited and hyped up about our vacations and he had a very surreal image of how wonderful everything was going to be. THEN, we get in the car with 3 children, a ton of toys and snacks and start a 20 hour trip to Florida. As you know, that isn't always the best of circumstances. Then Daddy would freak because we weren't all having the ideal, perfect fun vacation that we had envisioned. He wanted so much for things to be perfect, but that's not life.

Hang in there, baby! You're a great wife and mother even when you're not being SUPER!!

Michelle said...

Ah bless your heary. am praying!

Teresa said...

It's almost like I wrote that post myself except I have no children! I have the same battle going on in my head and it really can be overwhelming at times! I'm saying a prayer for your family right now. I always welcome prayer for my family, too.

Thanks for sharing and I enjoy your blog!

Your sister in Christ,
Teresa